The Bar, thoughts around alcohol and it's vices

So close to giving in

One of those days where there's or there was no more highlights, felt alone, but felt like natural mood cycle wasn't good enough, so I drove to liquor store and bought two 4-packs of beer and one very small Burban half pint.

Drank a few sips of the Burbon, drank literally one sip of beer, then I just stopped....why?

Cause although my body isn't 100%...still have a few muscle aches, and joint soreness, yet my energy level is superb, and it's like I got a boost of energy, right before about to take second swallow of beer, and I just stopped.

I felt sorry for my body...it's as if my body was trying to say 'Just give us a bit more time to heal'...and well, I just felt sorry for my body, cause my bodie's been so good to me, better than my behavior deserves...so I stopped drinking.

Probably had less than 2 tea spoons of beer and booze combined.
Any more than that and I might not have been able to stop...but I just, I don't know...I respect and like life.

I know my body, my organs are me, but in a way they're still seperate life from my soul, and so who am I to damage them by drinking? Is how I felt at that moment, for some odd reason.

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Drinking myself drunk would not have solved a thing in my life, and would have pretty much rendered tomorrow useless, cause would have spent 3/4's of the day in bed recovering and then feeling depressed.

Look, choosing not to drink tonight, at this moment, isn't gonna magical change or reverse anything negative in my life...isn't gonna garner me any new friend, or bring back old ones...so I guess I just did it cause, well, it was the right thing to do.
I've got health momentum going on right now, and maybe my body just needs a bit more time to totally heal up.
And there's a few other things I need to cut out of my life like sauces, which contain high fructose corn syrap, which is crack cocaine of sugar, and a few other things that do with diet.

I'm exercising daily, but still my future is as uncertain as ever.

I'm a lonely soul just trying to navigate through this world, a older lonely soul at that...I don't expect much positive outcome anymore, but I do desire peace, a peaceful existence and environment...and you can't have peace within if your body is sick or sickly and or in pain.

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Anyways, evening, here I come, sober and all, oh Lord have mercy...

I wasn't in good shape, I was in dying shape.

Kind of a morbid way to look at it, but it's the truth.
I fooled myself these last few years, telling myself because I worked out a few days a week for less than 30 minutes, that I was in shape, and that those short workouts would counter any drinking I did...wrong!

Now that I'm getting into real shape, I realize I wasn't in shape, rather I was in dying shape.
Sorry, but it takes not hours, or days, or even weeks, but rather months, sometimes years, to get into optimal shape; and the older you get, just add more time to that.

I've been working out steadily for a month now or more, and just now barely getting where I should of been years ago if I didn't start drinking, or other things...
Driving long distances in the day at my old job didn't help either, truck driving for long hours at a time is terrible for your body and mind. It wears you body and mind out at the same time.

Anyways, yes, I'm in decent shape now, not great shape, just decent shape...would get wiped out by even people older than me who still run marathons...heck, I slow jog just 50 yard at a time and want to pound my chest.

You're in shape when your legs feel like springs beneath you, and not logs.

I'm getting there, again, slowly but surely.

Yes, alcohol has been a seductive trap for me now for over a decade, but not enough to out and right ruin my life.
And that's what's frustrating about drinking, it doesn't out and right destroy your life in a obvious way, rather it eats away at you slowly, things add up over time that get you off course, and rob you of your potential.

But lately, not drinking as much, desires still there, but doing a decent job of resisting, as such I'm like in a weird mental zone as of late.

It's like being sober is like being stoned or high, as I learn to deal with all this new energy.
It's almost like being reborn, as the body heals on multiple levels.

It's weird having the same energy level at 10 pm, that I did at 8 am, I mean natural energy, energy based on nutrition and exercise.

And speaking of exercise, I've been doing it twice a day now, morning and evening...cause I can't just sit home with all this energy buzzing through me.

But also, I've been out of work for the last 5 months or so, taking a online course, so not working also has made me get back in shape and rediscover a lot.

Working a job is so overrated if you ask me.
The idea of going back to some laborous, mindless, stuck schedule is repulsive to me, maybe cause I'm older now and see how futile and useless wage slave jobs are.

Anyhow, it's Saturday night, I'm sober, and still got lots of night left.

No booze for me tonight...that's a good thing.
As a drinker, if can over come Friday and Saturday nights without drinking, that means you're really making progress.
Just being healthy in and of itself has to become an exciting thing again...that's when you know you're making progress.

It's Friday night and I'm working out instead of drinking, and for my age, any age, I feel pretty decent.
I think sobriety is winning, at least for now.
I haven't set any sobriety records yet, not even close.

Also, not having a job I hate helps, not having any job, helps...
Going back to work could ruin this run, cause hating what you do makes you want to drink when off on the weekends or evenings....it really does.

And working a job you hate can get you out of shape quick if it effects your outlook on life, or if a OTR driver spending hours, days, away from home on the road eating junk food, death food, that crap out there is terrible for you....the sugary drinks, everything, the chips, all of it...death food.

Anyways, between reps, let me finish up this workout.

Even when I don't drink, my moods can still be all over the place in the morning, based on what I ate right before bed.