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Post by Jupiter on Sept 5, 2024 21:23:03 GMT
It's amazing how one long shift of work can totally devastate your mood and moral How I feel now, and how I felt yesterday at this time, when 'off', and in party mode, is like heaven and hell, not even night and day, but heaven and hell. My up beat mood has just taken a dive after getting in from a long shift of driving/work. And to top it off, stupid me booked a flight on the 3rd day of these long shifts, so that I'll get home late, (terrible mood) and then a few hours later have to go to airport, park vehicle, check in, ect = stress..  It's been a long while since I've flown, and I should of given myself a day off to 'chill', and settle my nerves instead of going from a job I hate, sleep, and then the stress of traveling. But I was drunk, of course, when booked the flight. ------------------------------- You get older like me, you just get set in your ways, your routine, your environment. Sure, may not be grand, but it's that routine and your personal environment that makes you feel safe, especially when alone and don't have a support system. And that's it, is that I feel so very alone right now, that's the scary part I suppose, is feeling so alone as you, I, travel so many miles from my comfort zone, I'll just be out there, no one to comfort me, just out there in the big cruel world, around people with personality disorders, ect, all alone. Oh well, I guess I have no choice but to toughen up, or else, or else I'll have an emotional breakdown, cry out loud. |
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Post by Jupiter on Oct 22, 2024 19:59:55 GMT
Dinner
Dinner...
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Post by Jupiter on Oct 23, 2024 1:53:31 GMT
At a very hard juncture in my life's path.
I told myself, about a year ago, I never wanted to ever again be stuck, while still alive....meaning a slave to the system, meaning at the mercy of the system, meaning having to pay high rent, thus having to work a job I despise in order to pay that rent.
I did that for years, it's meaningless, unless have a family you're raising.
But if single, it's meaningless just to work just to work just to pay bills while saving absolutely nothing.
Where the only time your checking account grows is during tax season when you get a refund.
I can't do that no more.
My options are as follows
1. Just up and move.
Sometimes you just have to up and get the hell out of a place and change environments completely in order to find new motivation. It's never an easy thing to do, especially when older.
2. Buy a used RV, travel trailer, etc, and live out of it.
RV lot rents aren't a low as they used to be, but can still save money with an RV more so than paying rent, but have to get used to living on the 'lamb' for a while and doing without certain comforts...for sure.
Having a RV will help me never to feel 'trapped' by the system. And with homelessness rampant in many cities and towns, often times if find the right spot to camp, can do so for free while continuing to work full time or part-time and saving up for some land or school or this or that.
All an expensive apartment does, at my age, is eat up what's left of my dreams, money, cash.
3. Stay where I'm at and take one more risk and start my own online business...if it works, great, if not, it'll just be one in a long list of other things I've tried and failed at, only if I fail at this, I'm back to being a slave. Can I live with that??
It's a total gamble.
The money I'd spend to hire a professional web designer is basically the same amount it would cost me to move coast to coast using a U-Haul, and or 3 months worth of rent, and or any other emergency that might come up.
Life is no fun when you've depleted your savings, and the clock starts a ticking.
I just can't go forward working any ole job anymore that sucks up all my time, where I come home to grouchy to want to do anything meaningful, and more months, years, just fly by while I accomplish absolutely nothing.
4. could always just go live in someone's room, smaller space, for around 6oo.oo, doesn't make sense to pay much more than that for a room.
Decisions decisions...there is no right decision, and that's what makes it so hard...cause with each decision comes so many other variables to consider or that could happen outside of your, my, our, control.
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I just know when always rushed for money, it totally robs me of my creative side, if all I'm thinking about is a pay check and paying this or that bill, it just kills your spirit, you come home, and all you want to do is drink to escape the pain of a lousy life.
I don't want to go back to that.
And I'm old enough to realize just wishing for something, a good outcome, and or praying that 'God' will give you the good outcome you want doesn't guarantee anything...at least not for me.
Either way, I've gotta make a decision here soon, within days, or I'll be stuck here for another 6-7 months which = 7 thousand dollars minimum in rent and expenses, then what?
It would help if I wasn't alone, and had someone to plan with, but I don't.
And if I fall, no one will give a sht, I mean no one, if anything they'll quietly cheer.
Sometimes it's why it's easier for me to make big decisions when drunk, cause you just do it, and then have to deal with it later.
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Post by Jupiter on Oct 25, 2024 3:30:51 GMT
Going through a bit of a post drinking depression right now.
I drank, don't want to say hard, but had many cans of beer yesterday night, and said some things, texted some things, that I now feel embarrassed and or even ashamed of, and that feeling has lingered in me all day long, not to mention the usual effects of having a hang over.
Although hang overs feel different as you age, with me it's more of a mood hang over and or a combo of many or a few physiological reactions.
I can usually recover more quickly, in that I happen to be in OK shape, exercise daily, which makes it worse at times, cause when you feel healthy and fit, you, or I, tend to think I can drink more...but that's not true at all.
Also, because I'm going through a post drinking emotional slump, I don't really know what my true mood is...I won't for a few more days once the booze wears off and I forget about last night and early morning today.
Time has a way of healing all, the more time separates you from a bad moment or event, the less you dwell on it, until finally it doesn't even register with you emotionally anymore....unless a truly bad event.
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And while riding bike today, got a flat tire, so had to walk like 3 miles or so to get back home.
I bike just about daily, so I'm going to have to get that tire fixed real soon, maybe tomorrow, if can find a decent bike shop, or may have to change the tire myself.
Why even have air filled tires on bikes anymore, why not just like solid foam or something, like fill the outer layer of tire with foam, that way a simply tac can't deflate it.
Anyways, not feeling any better, not even after writing this...that gloomy mood is still lingering.
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Post by Jupiter on Oct 29, 2024 20:06:17 GMT
My mind and body just aren't in sync with one another right now.
hard to explain.
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Post by Jupiter on Oct 29, 2024 20:08:11 GMT
It's like I have more energy than my mind knows what to do with right now.
I feel like I should be drowsy, yet I'm wired awake, yet I don't have the mental structure to utilize that energy.
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