Depression and it's various layers and forms

Yesterday I don't know if I felt depressed, or just 'given into' situation.

What I mean by that is since Wed I've felt a bit ill, and no, not 'C' virus ill, that's old news to me (people forget that there's still a million ways to get sick other than the C virus..duh). But ye, I felt ill, more do to - here's what I think.

1. I think my illness was more do to alcohol related cause and effect.
2. I've heard it said that the stomach, the intestines, are where are immune system is or operates ect, and so if drink to much, than the alcohol can and after a while will disrupt our immune system, weaken it, and when immune system weakened than everyday bacteria, viruses, germs, that our body normally brushes off, suddenly can take ahold.

And that's what I feel happened, I just feel that do to drinking beer on a regular basis caught up with me and allowed germs or bacteria my body normally brushed off like nothing to get the upper hand, thus I got sick or fell ill.

Infection type of ill, like inner body muscular type of ill, as in muscle pain type of ill, but I could tell it was what I described above cause it's happened before, and always preceeds me drinking more than I should.

And usually when stop drinking for at least a week, it goes away, as nutrients are able to build back up and aren't getting flushed out all the time through drinking.

But while feeling ill last night (and when ill and or in pain, it drains you, your energy gets drained) I just didn't care if I woke up or not, I felt resigned to my fate.

I felt as if "OK, even if I do get better, (which I am now) nothing will change, my bad luck will continue, I'll still get older, age, and eventually get sick for real with a life ending illness'.

And feeling tired, and in pain, I just didn't care if I woke up or not, I was like resigned to fate.
I wasn't bitter or mad or even sad, I just felt resigned to fate, like whatever happens happens.

I figured I'm going to die one day anyways, last night, to me, would have been as good as anytime to go.

I mean I was in bed, warm, things were calm, I was calm, ideal situation to pass away vs other more violent or uncomfortable situations many people die in.

I mean I'd of rather passed away last night in a controlled familuar environment, than to get shot on the street and die there, of in a plane crash or car crash, or on a ventilater in some dungy hospital or while getting robbed or you name all the other horrible ways in which many people die.

So looking at it like that, if I had passed away last night or early morning in my sleep, all things considered, and the mood I was in, it just would not have bugged me.

Not saying I'll feel that way tomorrow or in a week, but last night I did feel that way.

Also, it's odd to think that they're saying that over 800,000 folks died with covid last year ect....wow.

That's a lot of souls that are gone, and I can't even notice, didn't personally know a single one of them.

Amazing how so many can pass away and not have the slightest effect on ones life, or at least mine.

Now I did have a downstairs neighbors mother who did pass away in October, I just found this out a week ago, but this lady was already in their 80's or 70's, and in a wheel chair with oxygen, so they probably would of passed on regardless.

Not sure their cause of death, didn't ask.
I guess that's 1 person I did know who passed away, in that I think we spoke maybe once while they were out on the porch in wheelchair sitting next to their daughter, who is also getting up there in years.

Sooner or later death is coming for us all, so we'd better get to living while we still can.

I'm am simply today's food.

Time to turn the TV on for a while, I've been feeling flat lately, maybe a bit of TV will help.

I don't really feel depressed, but I know something isn't right with me cause as of late I've just lost all drive and enthusiasm for anything.

Normally I have something I'm aiming for to keep me fired up, but as of late, nothing.

Everything has just fizzed out with me, hope, everything, and seems I'm just alive, and as such started drinking beer again when I'm off, which I resent.

I think only love, being in a loving relationship, can fill that hole that I feel, and no, I don't mean with 'god', which is just a metaphorical term.

Cause when people supposedly come to god, they do it through humans, a church, thus form relationships and eventually assigned roles within the church, if they want to take it that far.

But whether church or a sports league or whatever, bottom line is people need people in order to be or feel sound and healthy.

I lack that right now, I have no one, nothing other than myself...and so maybe that's it.

I always use to tell people, just give me one person, and I'll conquer the world with them or for them, but all my life, I can't even find that one person who believes in me, likes me, wants me in their life so I can actually be motivated to accomplish something.
No, instead, it's always me, myself and I, who are alone.

And I'm surprised it hasn't made me resentful, or resentful yet, but it hasn't.

As I've aged, I realize anger is a big waste of energy, and not only that but when angry, it effects no one other than yourself, cause the people you think you're angry could give a dam about your emotions or feelings, could give a dam even or not whether you wake up or die, so you're getting angry over nothing, or those who see you as nothing, is what I've come to realize.

So I've learned to steer my anger towards more creative or constructive endevors like art, or taking online classes ect...even dabbled in volunteer work, but that hasn't gone anywhere yet.

Theater helps me to work out my moods, and or even depression



I always feel better when in theatrical mode, it allows me to visualize what I feel on the inside.

I can feel the fight in my going away, the fight that drove me for so many years to fight on, tredge on, regardless.
But now, as of late, I don't know exactly what it is I'm heading towards other than a cliff.

I mean are we all just heading towards a hypothetical cliff?

I guess it's what we do before we get to that cliff that gives us meaning, pleasure or purpose in life.

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Anyways, a new day is here, but to me it may as well be like the groundhog day movie.