Lifes Journal

Not unhappy, but nor am I in the best of moods.

I may have to get a new vehicle soon, and that troubles me, why?

Cause I'm sick of my life evolving around vehicle or vehicle issues, either through payments or mechanical costs, I'm just sick of it.

Sure, could sell my soul and probably finance a brand new vehicle, but then would be stressing over payments forever.

Or could do a 'cash for vehicle' deal, like I did last time, but since Biden took over as President all used car sales have gone way up!

Or could finance used vehicle, meaning a 7-15,000 priced used car, which usually has 80,000 plus miles on it, so now making payments on a used vehicle with miles.

I've never ever done that before, and seems obscene to me, I'm just sick of always, every few years, dumping money into vehicles.

And as soon as you have to start taking your car to the shop and leaving it, you know what that means, it means vehicle will never ever operate the same and that there'll always be something wrong with it, something new.

Mechanics are just slimy, slime balls that cost you money.

As such, just not very thrilled right now.

I wanted a sports car, but now i think a pick up truck would be more practical, not as cool, but more practical.



Thing about pick up trucks, people abuse them, owners abuse them, especially if have tow package on it.

I see how people drive, heck, I drive for a living, so I see 1000's of drivers a week or more.

And everyone is heavy footed, especially pick up truck drivers, they speed faster than sports cars, always in the fast lane, always accelerating fast, why??

Tearing up their engine, transmission, so that you can inherit their issues when they sell or trade truck in.

Don't buy no pick up truck with tow package on it, and for sure not if younger country type guy owned it, cause they really abuse their vehicles.

And not into motorcycles anymore continued from above



And well, just not into motorcycles anymore, just not.

years ago I wanted one, but I've past that phase in my life for now.

Awake, sitting in the early darkness of the morning



In a odd mental zone right now.
I think we are what we eat, and lately I've been ingesting a lot of herbal tea, vitamins, and other organic stuff.

It's like body is getting an influx of healthier nutrients and minerals than it's use to.

And of course no more alcohol.

Lot's of changes internally, including the moods I find myself in, and what grabs my attention now vs what doesn't anymore.

When home, I'm relaxed, and as long as can pay my basic bills, I really don't care about much anymore outside of my small confined world or existence.

When I did care, the world ignored me, so it's like now I ignore the world.

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I love this time of the morning where it's just dark and quite, where I can pretend I'm 1000 miles away from anything, in some castles, alone, writing in my quarters.



And I always have fans blowing, to muffle out the background noise.
When home, I don't want to hear the sounds of cars or nothing in the background, and having the fans on just muffles all outside noise, and adds ambience.
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Now that I no longer drink, I'm wondering was it alcohol that gave me passion for stuff, or myself?

Or, or, is getting older playing a factor in things as well?

Maybe a realistic reality is just setting in with me now, that has mellowed me out.

And also, when alone and alienated from others, like i am most of the time, it's hard to remain passionate about much.

The fight is strongest in us when we feel we're fighting for others, but if only fighting for myself, well all I really need is food, water and shelter.

Anyways, I've got to figure this out, this new mental reality shift I'm going through, I'm just glad I have another day off to relax and ponder things.

Right now, at this moment, I feel 'sober'

I don't mean sober as in no alcohol sober, I mean sober as in a short moment of clarity, as if just woke up for the first time in 20 years type of sober.

Not sure how long it'll last, but it could be 20 years ago, 30 years ago, or more, and it's as if I could of woke up even still a kid, at home, in my middle school bed, with parents still intact, old friends, it's as if everything else has just been some kind of a long dream.

Not sure if explaining it correctly, cause lately moments like this are rare, where you just wake up feeling refreshed, memory, pain, frustrations, all kind of wiped, cleared from the mind, and not under the influence of alcohol or coffee, or tea, or anything, just kind of a 'as is' moment.

But I seriously doubt it'll last very long.

I think I just needed some rest, and really needed the day off, which I got or have by accident.
Body has been in minor pain lately, cause by minor infection, and I think I just needed a day off to recover.

I also think there's a relationship between stress and pain, or stress and the bodies ability to heal.

And sometimes just long hours of work can be stressful, and I don't need no 'expert' to tell me that, all one has to do is study and pay attention to ones own body.

Anyways, ye, I feel 'sober' right now, but it won't last, for as soon as I get up, get some coffee or tea in system, see a few news headlines, ect, I'm sure all the mess of the day, struggles, let downs, ect, will begin to fill my system again.

But that being said I still do appreciate this moment in time, and it's now posted and so will remember it in the future, and maybe strive for it again.

Today is Saturday, not feeling it



Today is Saturday, not feeling it, however, not sure how Saturdays are suppose to make me feel anymore.

In the past, distant past, Saturdays were associated with jubilee, time for friends, parties, boating, kayaking, hobbies and more.

It's still that way for many, for me, usually either working or at home slothing around.

I don't have anyone to go out with anyways.

Mentally, I'm clobbering myself right now, it's like I'm beating myself up with my own thoughts.

I'm nothing right now, other than here.