Moods

People who are the deceptive and cruel should have their eyeballs poked out, for hurting so many over the years, for making people who've done nothing wrong, feel like they have, by hiding their posts from others, or making visibility very very low, or making their stuff difficult to find.

And again, all that's fine, the sickening part is when they don't tell you, the user, so you can make appropriate response by not using said server or site anymore...but because they don't tell you, you end up wasting years and years of sharing your intellectual best, all for nothing since so many see it, when could of been doing it elsewhere.

I hope there's a special hell for deceptive types who hurt others like that.

Like I wrote elsewhere, I feel dead on the inside, as of late.
That being said, what does a dead person, who still happens to be physically alive, do for the day?

Because I feel dead already, I have no incentive, as such I'll create a 'to do list' to force self to do something.

Carnival of Souls - 1962



This movie came out in 1962, I never really liked it, it just has a depressing dark feel to it.
Well, in the movie, the gal dies in a car crash, but viewers don't know that, and I guess, obviously, she didn't either. So throughout the movie, she's stalked by a strange man, who ends up simply being her guide.

She was a dead woman living among the living.
And that's how I feel sometimes, as if I'm a dead soul living amongst the living and to dense or dumb to realize I shouldn't be here anymore, or that my time has passed, yet I'm still here.



Here's the original trailer to that dark movie.

Right now, do to my environment, I feel like I can never win...I can get by, barely, but I feel like I can never win, in a big way that matters.
I'm surrounded by human leaches, and cut off from productive types, that's been my curse in life.

⬆️⬆️⬆️ continued from above

Well, turns out I don't have to work after all today, I guess someone heard my appeal, and when I woke up and looked at the schedule, well, I'm 'off', which gives me more time to prepare for tomorrows long trip, flight and journey...and I need it, cause my nerves are very unsettled right now, more so than I ever thought they would be.

I mean all I'm doing is catching a dern flight across the nation, something millions of people do every year, so not sure why I feel so unnerved by it, this trip.

Maybe here are some reason (self analyst)

1. Doing so alone?
2. I no longer trust 'man', therefore I no longer trust flying or machines anymore?
3. I'm going to a place I was raised, sure, but haven't been there in maybe 2 decades?
And I realize places change, so even though grew up there, I'll be going back there a stranger, to a more rural area.
4. Social media has turned people into monsters, I have that fear to, in that in the olden days people got to know you first, whereas now, you're judged by what they've already seen on YT or social media.

I don't know, I guess I'm just not the adventurous type I used to be, not to mention this trip will put a strain on my limited finances.

I guess I'm turning into a 'wus'..

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I've become a creature of routine, I suppose, I live within my own comfort zone, as many of us do, and this trip will take me over 1000 miles + outside of that comfort zone, where I will once again be a physical minority.
Going through life alone, doing things alone, is just scary, makes things scarier, as you get older.
Oh well, it's only a 7 day trip, assuming I even make it back.

Not really sure if long term happiness can even be obtained anymore.
I don't trust myself to just by happy, long term, without messing it up by drinking, or just something else going wrong.
I've been my own worst obstacle my whole life.
My moods, my insecurities, my nack of making bad decisions, that seem or feel right at the time.
All the stupid decisions I've made while drunk, that have come back to bite me, and on and on.

Sometimes I feel I haven't a chance in this world, and just fooling myself thinking things will be OK, ever.