Personal hell

Yes, I feel like I'm in my own personal hell right now, and that is when your own personal fears come true, or feel like they are.

It's like when the devils wishes come true, but not your own.

Everyone's hell is different because people have different joys and likes, and fears and expectations for self.
No two people's dread is exactly the same...and in fact one persons dread could be another persons bliss.

Who knows this better than the dark spirits that hoover around us, always trying to find ways to make our nightmares a reality.

Today is here, and well, I feel as if I've been hit with the reality check hammer.



Not a good feeling, nor that bad, it's just a realistic evaluation of my current reality type of feeling.
No booze in my system, so there's no 'false hope' type of bravado...just cold hard reality.

In fact, my physical health is the last thing I'm worried about right now, it's pretty decent, been working out a lot lately, twice a day, just light workouts though, mainly cardio workouts, biking, walking, stretching, and if anything, working out provides temporary escape.
In fact, will probably workout again, after I write out a few more thoughts.
But yeah, I just pretty much got up, after finally going to bed/sleep around 4 am, got stuck watching those reality jail/prison shows.
That's one good thing, I suppose, is I'm not in jail or dealing with that crap...and if I did ever go to jail, I'd have no one to call upon to bail me out.

But that's the last thing on my mind right now...in fact, jail life is simple compared to having to deal with the real every day life and bills, and survival all while walking a straight line.
A lot of people in jail/prison, are there cause they couldn't, infact, handle the stuff myself and others have to go through on a daily basis out here in the real world of stones and arrows.

Anyways, like I said, I need to go workout to work off some of this tension.

It's Thursday already again...wow...time is definitely not my friend right now.

Sometimes I just don't want to be strong anymore, or face anymore life battles.
I think it's easier to fight for others, than to always have to fight for yourself.

I'm just tired of the personal battles, hurdles, one after another.
I just want to be left alone, but life, at least the way men have structured it, just cannot leave you alone.
Societies are designed to squeeze all the money out of you they can, it never stops, ever, at least not when poor or on the edge of poverty.

And once you have no more money, your value immediately drops to zero....at least as an adult it does.

Anyways, I'll give myself one more hour to lay around in my own sorrow, but then I do have to get up and get some stuff done, for this last 'fight'...so to speak.

Right now I really need to grow up for myself, if I hope to make it through the next few months.